Avoidance

I tend to avoid things that I am uneasy about. If I think a patient will yell at me, I don’t want to call them back. If I’m worried about an email from an angry author, I won’t check my email for days. If I think I’ve gained weight, I avoid the scale at all costs.

Considering my addiction to the scale, it’s a pretty big deal for me to not weigh in every day. It’s me making a conscious decision not to step on that little machine that I usually rely on.

I have been avoiding the scale this week. My meeting on Sunday was fantastic, but I was disappointed that the 40 pound mark eluded me. (I weighed in at 39.8 pounds…it was all I could do not to shed all my clothing right there in the lobby and demand to be weighed again.)

I tracked my food on Sunday until we picked up pizza for dinner, and then I decided that I should get to have one meal a week that I don’t worry about points. (Not a whole cheat day, just one meal.) On Monday though, I helped myself to two pieces of apple cake with homemade caramel sauce. I’d left my tracker in the car and never got around to writing down what I ate that day. At home, I had a hankering for some onion dip…which I just happened to have ingredients for. Tuesday, I successfully evaded the cream cheese Danish screaming my name from the break room…however, I was starving when I got home and ate some leftover pizza while I cooked dinner…and then some chicken nuggets while I was babysitting Mrs. C’s clan…and then two pieces of garlic bread…and some hot chocolate…when I got home. Oops.

Today was tricky. I had the day off of work, which can often spell disaster for me. At work, I just bring healthy food and (generally) only eat what I bring. At home…well, I can make whatever I damn well want. (And I keep mostly healthy stuff around the house, but I like to bake… ’nuff said?) When I got up, I made a deal with myself that I would write down every bite I ate today…to keep me honest.

I did well, and only went over by 2 points. I also earned 30 activity points today, so I’m pretty sure I’m okay. Tomorrow morning, I will get on the scale. I know it will be fine. I know I am obsessing over it for no reason. I know that, overall, I make healthy choices, and that I’ve worked my ass off in the gym. (Like burning 2000 calories in the gym today? Yeah, I’m not so worried about those two points. It was a glass of milk, anyway. Not chocolate or something like that…Mmmmmm, chocolate. Oops.)

I know that the anxiety I’m feeling about weighing in after a few days is unfounded. I know…or I hope, at least, that I will be thrilled with the number I see when I step on the scale in the morning. I just have to remind myself that even if it’s not as low as the number I saw on Sunday, it’s not the same number I saw a month ago. It’s not anywhere close to the number I saw when I started this journey. Still, I know it won’t be the last time I use avoidance as a defense…it’s just something I do.

~FLP~