Monday, October 15, 2007

I'm on a Roll...

Or rather, the rolls are on me. And I'm SICK of them.

Could tomorrow be the day?

My doctor suggested I might have an eating disorder, which I kind of blew off...but I think she might be right. She said she would give me an appetite suppressant, but really, I don't eat because I'm hungry...I eat because I want to eat. Not a good sign, is it? She recommended a few, more costly programs, but then suggested Over eater's Anonymous. That's free, right? I pulled up their website tonight...they had a meeting 4 hours ago, which I missed, of course...but I'm kind of freaking out right about now. (Honesty is the best policy, right?)

Are You a Compulsive Over eater?
Welcome to Over eaters Anonymous. This series of questions may help you determine if you are a compulsive over eater.
Do you eat when you're not hungry?
Yes. Every day. All the time.

Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?
Yes. Sometimes I have a reason...not a good one, probably, but a reason, nonetheless. Most of the time, though, it's just eating.

Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?
Yes. God, all the time.

Do you give too much time and thought to food?
Yes. I call it menu planning...but I think about food constantly.

Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?
Yes. Because I don't want people to judge me on what I'm eating, so I hide it.

Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?

Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?

Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?

Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal?
All the time. Every day. Every moment for the last 20 years.

Do you resent others telling you to "use a little willpower" to stop overeating?
No, but I've never had anyone tell me that...except for my doctor. (And I resented it.)

Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet "on your own" whenever you wish?

Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?
Not necessarily.

Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?
Yes. (Does it help? No--but that doesn't mean I stop trying.)

Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition?
See my post on fat lady problems. I'm currently considered pre-diabetic and suffer from PCOS.

Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?
Me. Me. Me. It's makes me unhappy.

Have you answered yes to three or more of these questions? If so, it is probable that you have or are well on your way to having a compulsive overeating problem.

I'm freaking out. I'm scared to go alone...but I need help. (You hear that? I need HELP!)

Friday, October 12, 2007

Eyes Wide Open (Or "I Can See Clearly Now")

I bought my first pair of glasses in 2001. It was exciting because with them, I could see things that had been blurry for quite some time, they made me look different, and my insurance covered them.

Fast forward almost 7 years, 2 pairs, and 2 (3?) insurance companies later. My prescription has changed every year, which means every year I'm forking over more and more money for a decent pair of eyes. While the price of living (and everything else in the world) keeps going up, my insurance coverage has gone down the drain. Imagine my distress to learn that my most recent prescription was going to cost me $250+ for lenses alone!

I'm done buying new glasses and lenses every year. I've watched my husband pop contacts in and out for 8's no big deal, right?

WRONG...but I'm learning, and it's gotten easier every day.

It's been fun. It's amazing walking around the grocery store or driving or...just doing anything without these damn glasses on my face! (Yes, I still have the invisible pair that I reach to adjust or move occasionally.)

I haven't worn glasses forever. It's only been 7 years. But a lot happens in 7 years, and apparently, people forget what you really look like.

I definitely have to take better care of my eyebrows, and be more careful with my eye makeup since I don't have glasses to hide behind anymore. It's so...liberating to be free from frames.

Someone told me today that they never realized I had such pretty eyes. I guess they've been hiding, too.

Monday, October 08, 2007


I love magnet poetry.

I love those little letters and words that seem so random, yet tie together so perfectly. I got a page free somewhere, and found an entire box for a quarter at a garage sale, so the front of my fridge is covered in words. I play with them, the kids play with them, and apparently, Little Sister's Polly pockets use them as skates. They tend to wander when no one is looking, and little words end up all over the house.

Tonight, I've just had it. Another argument with Big Sister, and the way she treats me and Little Sister, and how the Hubster does nothing about it. I lost it, big time. Went on a screaming rampage. Told both of them that I was going to take Little Sister and leave because she doesn't deserve to be treated the way Big Sister treats she's going to wind up hating her because all she ever does is yell at her. I've just had it. I'm done with half assed "I'm sorry's" that don't mean anything. I'm done with the Hubster standing by and watching it happen. I'm just done.

I've started picking things up when I'm mad...It's a habit I picked up from the Hubster, I think. Something psychological about controlling the physical chaos when I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I folded a basket of laundry. I cleaned one of the bathrooms. I organized the shoes in the rack by the front door.


I saw it through my tears as I picked up, strangely enough, one of my running shoes. The little rectangular word, free from it's magnetic prison of the fridge, lost in the carpet, staring up at me.


Is it a sign? That I'm really done? That it's time to just give up trying to fix things, cut my losses and go?


How odd that I found that particular word at that moment in time. Does it mean something? Do I listen?